Morphemics

A Subtle Seduction

It happened like the inevitable obsolescence of a working chain whose least observed link had begun to crack. Assurance of faith had never been a problem. Such was, however, the product of living in a community given over to a thoroughly objectivist mindset, one which rested on a number of proofs demonstrable to any honest inquirer. That those outside our ranks did not agree with us was seen as evidence either of their lack of integrity or of their stupidity. The fool, after all, has said in his heart that there is no God. But then, I found that I was no longer in agreement with my peers. I saw that what should have been faith in God was often indistinguishable from faith in assumptions. And so began the process of my conversion.

Two items came to my attention: 1) I found myself unable to give any credence to empirical or rational foundations for the Christian faith. To do so, it seemed, reversed the proper order of things. The presence of a cosmos was not to be taken as incontrovertible evidence of a creator. Rather, prior faith in God led one to the conclusion that everything else is created. These evidences might serve as signs to point to the reasonableness of the faith; however, apart from that faith they could never serve as proofs for that faith. 2) The outsiders who are not convinced by such evidence are neither dishonest nor stupid. They simply do not have faith. Having come to this realization, I have often marvelled at the intelligence of the unsaved; an intelligence that has nothing to do with whether or not they are ultimately correct in their conclusions.

I do not agree with those who say, "Look around. I don't see how anyone can say that all of this just evolved." I, for one, do see how they can say it. Or take moral arguments, for instance. Dostoyevsky once wrote, "If there is no God, then all things are permissable." But this certainly does not mean that all those who do not believe in God actually behave accordingly. Many, in fact, have a well practiced sense of morality. Besides, the argument works both ways, "If there is a God, then all things are justified." Before dismissing this out of hand, consider the wars and other atrocities perpetrated in the name of religion. If one is going to start with observed things, then the argument for God is no more significant than a coin toss. Both options are valid.

The deciding factor is faith; however, such faith fails miserably as an argument and I should not have made it one. Not that I did so in any observable manner: the whole exchange took place in my own mind. From the perspective of the one who has no faith, faith seems like nothing more than an arbitrary decision on my part. God exists because I say so. The folly of such a claim is then demonstrated when my opponent makes an equally bold claim to the contrary. We both have 'faith' in our positions and the concept becomes meaningless.

As it happened, that day was no different than any other- I had not been threatened into renouncing my faith. If I had been, I might have been exposed, for earlier, I had come to the uneventful conclusion that I was an atheist. Everything I had ever believed about the supernatural was wrong. But, rather than eliciting any strong emotions, there was only the matter of fact acceptance of the facts. How could I feel bad about betraying a non-entity?

I made no conscious effort to change my mind back, but woke up one day in a state of faith with the realization of what I had just done. Nor could it have happened otherwise. I am reminded of what Wordsworth once wrote, "We murder to dissect." Overall, not much different than my own attempts to organize and defend doctrine with no more investment of my own soul than I would put into a science project. Despite my attempts to see it in this way, faith is not the exercise of my own will to believe. It is, rather, the unerring and unbreakable embrace of my divine Lover. A Lover who, in order to restore the sight of someone so blinded as to have no sense of having wandered, does not take his rightful place in judgment but, as a trustworthy friend, walks beside him.